Strength in Vulnerability

It had been a bad weekend, the local boys lost the big game and Jeremiah had gotten angry as he had bet the rent on them winning. When Jeremiah gets angry any place is better than here. As usual he took his anger out on the nearest outlet and unfortunately this time it was me. Last time he took a batten to the dog and beat the shit out of him.

I looked at my face in the bathroom mirror, I couldn’t hide what he had done this time; black eye, swollen cheek bone and bruises all over. I was worried that he would start hitting the baby. His temper seems to have become worse, especially over the last few months since the baby’s birth. He blames me for getting pregnant, yeah that a laugh, like he wasn’t in the act.

I stared at the woman in the mirror and tried to see the girl I used to be. I wanted so much when I was young, I wanted the world but I settled for the first boy who made me think I was special. Once upon a time Jeremiah had been sweet but that sweetness wore away with the gangs and the drugs and the alcohol. I was pretty sure he had another woman, someone who could focus on him and not on a baby.

I heard the bed creak as he turned over. Monday morning he would be getting up soon to go to work, to a dead-end job he hated with a boss who had it in for him. Emasculated by the society we lived in. I left the bathroom and headed into the kitchen to put on the jug. I shoved some old bread into the toaster. Again I heard the bed creak and his footsteps heading into the toilet. I stared at the toaster, I could feel the muscles in my back tightening as his footsteps came towards the kitchen. He came into the room jeans low slung, pulling a tee shirt over his head

“Hey” he grunted

“Hey babe, want some toast” I asked

He grabbed the packet of cigarettes and lit one “Nah, I grab a pie” he replied “Go into WINZ and tell’em we need money for rent and food.”

“Jer, you know they will ask for a pay slip to show we haven’t got any money” I replied

“Ponce left us a pay slip, it’ll show I only got two days work last week. Take the baby in with you and they’ll give you money.”

A horn honked outside, Ponce with his ride to work. He grabbed his jacket and walk out the door.

I buttered the cold toast, nibbled on a corner as I stared out the window at the dreary, rundown houses that made up this beneficiaries neighbourhood. I had dream once, I wanted to be strong and stand up for what was right and this is what I had come to. A beaten woman with a baby, I was a cliché.

I heard the whimper and the little gasp that came before a full out scream. Aroha, my heart, I went into the spare room and picked her up before she could get a full head of steam on. Cuddling her in my arms I rocked her moving back into the lounge to sit on the sofa to feed her. She was so hungry, she latched on to my breast and I looked down at this perfect little human being. She had come from me, she was the future. Did I want this little girl to live this life? Did I want her to believe that this was the way and the means of this world? Or did I want something more for her?

Tears plopped onto her forehead. There was a pit inside me of despair, what was I going to do. I thought of all the advertisement on telly about family violence and the outcry in the news when babies died from violence. Could I stay here with this possibility in my mind? Is having Jeremiah in my life more important than Aroha? All these questions tumbled around inside my head as I gazed down at my baby. After she finished feeding I wrapped her up and put her into her buggy.

I went in and got dressed to head on down to WINZ, they opened at 8.30 and it would be after 9 by the time I got there. I packed up Aroha’s gear; it is like going off on an expedition when you take a baby out. All organised I headed out the door. As I turned to lock the door I stared at it for a long while, locking the door for security ironic as there is no security or comfort for me in this house.

The bus pulled up and I saw the bus drivers eyes widen when he looked at my face. He got down to help put the buggy on the front carrier. “Are you ok?” he asked. I nodded and looked down handing him my bus ticket to stamp. As I walked down the aisle I saw other’s looking at me and then glancing away. I saw pity in their eyes. Yeah I was a cliché. Usually I stayed home after Jeremiah gave me a hiding cause I didn’t want to see pity in the eyes of strangers.

My moment of truth, the WINZ office, as I walked in the guards looked at me. They didn’t ask me any questions I moved into the queue and kept my head down, letting my hair cover my face. I was pleased there weren’t many people in the line. Aroha started fussing so I started rocking the buggy. I didn’t want any more attention.

I got to the front of the queue and looked at the lady behind the reception. She immediately got up and came out through the locked doors. “Come with me” she said leading me away from the reception “Are you ok? Do you need somewhere to go?” I burst into tears. I had thought I could deal with this. “Yes I need to get away cause I don’t want Aroha to be hurt. “ I replied.

#Flashaday #FlashFiction #November #familyviolence #areyouok